When did you start hiding?
No, I’m not dead.
Or kidnapped by a band of travelling gypsies.
Or on the run. Seriously.
But I have gone silent for months – and here’s the quick and dirty reason why: I was scared.
And knocked up.
Ok so the two necessarily don’t really go hand in hand, but the latter seems to have been the perfect excuse for the former.
I started my business on a whim – alone in a foreign country (ok fine, a village in England) with my baby boy while my husband pursued HIS dream of being a rocket scientist (no joke – I end every argument now with “it’s not rocket science”) – and in a state of “passion-meets-I-have-no-idea-what-I’m-doing-but-screw-it“.
And from that overwhelmingly awkward and strangely fun place, I built a business I thought was my dream. Great clients, amazing opportunities and a sense of immense relief that I didn’t just quit my high-flying corporate job for nothing.
And then until it wasn’t.
At the end of last year, I pivoted, got down and deep and started to envision what I truly wanted from my business.
And in that vision I saw a different, grander, more incredible future (one that may or may not have included Ryan Gosling as my love-slave). But it meant owning up to a different dream.
Even when, this time it felt RIGHT.
Even when I had a billion brain-bursts of amazing things I wanted to do.
Even when things started shifting, magic started happening and life started changing. It was happening so fast that as soon as the summit (all the way back in March!!) was over, I dove back into the safety of my covers…and hid.
Watching, yearning, but paralysed by the warmth of my “safe place” and alone with my thoughts.
I’m an introvert, that’s what we do. But THAT brought up a whole heap of brutal mind-fuckery about quitting, not being good enough with a side dose of panic, self-doubt and procrastination.
In short: I was scared outta my mind.
And that fear is pretty much why it’s been white noise here for the last few months.
That and morning sickness, cravings for spicy hot chips and smiling weakly at people who tell me to ENJOY the pregnancy while trying to wrangle a toddler who refuses to eat anything but cereal for dinner. Here’s the thing though.
Fear didn’t get me pregnant. (THAT’s not rocket science *wink wink*).
But being pregnant was the convenient line I rattled off when people asked me how things were going.
It was easier to blame the constant near-vomiting (seriously, whoever said it was MORNING sickness has a lot to answer for!) and fatigue then own up to being scared.
It kept me stuck in a place where I afraid to do anything because it wasn’t enough. It’s kinda funny because it’s the exact thing I teach.
Kinda not funny, because only a family sized block of chocolate could save me at that point.
But Fear is normal. It’s a sign you’re on the right path.
It’s a sign that whatever you’re doing – DO MORE OF THAT.
In short – it’s not really about facing your fears as much as it is about looking them square in the eye and proclaiming a loud Fuck You to them. Two fingered salute totally optional (but highly recommended).
And here’s the kicker. (Write this down)
Fear is killed by action.
Ironic huh? And so, I’ve decided to play bigger.
You can have all the dreams and goals and visions tacked up onto your board jazzed up with glitter and surrounded by inspiring words – but:
NONE OF IT MATTERS UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING.
Even if it’s imperfect, messed-up and reluctant – there is magic about physically, consistently, enjoyably, courageously getting off your ass and DOING SOMETHING different, uncomfortable, unlike anything you’ve done for YOU, YOUR BODY, YOUR LIFE BEFORE.
Big things are made up of small things.
Small things, that when added up, lead to incredible, massive impact + change.
I have no idea how this second kid will turn out. OR, heck, even the first one.
But what I do know, all I can do for my babies, my biz and my message is to keep going.
And that’s what I’m doing now. And what you can do too.